Between My Ears

I ran across this picture on another blog and it spoke so powerfully to me that I felt I had to share it.

The title is "Flawed Divinity" and I have been unable to find out who the photographer is or where it originated. And maybe that's as it should be.
I have heard variations on the saying that God's Spirit or light is within us, and that it's the hard times, the falling down and getting back up, the mistakes we make, etc, that leave "cracks" in us, and that those cracks are a blessing because they allow the light of God to shine out to others. This picture embodies that to me, but it says so much more, some of which I'm not sure I can put into words.
In it I see a hard outer shell, one that perhaps she has built around herself because of pain and fear. But her posture is one of entreaty, openness, willingness to be broken open. It's as if she knows the light is within her and she knows she has been covering it up and shutting it down. But she is now at a point where she is willing to let the light peek through the stone. She is willing to look up and within at the same time. She is alone and still. She is away from all the distractions and people in her life and is looking for a way to reveal the Truth that she knows is inside her. She is ready to shed the shell and truly shine to the world, to let everyone see the real woman that has been there all along.
And maybe I see all of that in the picture because I see all of that in myself. The journey continues......

I've been reading some posts on a blog I really like, Big Girl Bombshell and it is inspiring me to get back to writing more consistently. I do a LOT of reading, but there comes a point where I get stagnant, like a pond with no outlet, and my thinking starts to stink. So I am pledging to myself to write something here every day, even if it's a sentence.
One thing that I have had issues with is thinking about the reader while I'm writing. I have to keep in mind that the writing is for me, first and foremost, because I need to write it. When someone reads it and gets something out of it, that is icing on the cake.
I am working through A Course in Weight Loss by Marianne Williamson and it is really the most helpful tool I've found in a long time to really dig deep into my mind and heart about why I do some of the things I do, and then provides ways to deal with those things in the future. The exercises are seriously serious and Marianne does not hold back in helping me face myself and my fears, which is what I desperately need right now.
 Personally, when I read Women, Food, and God, I felt like I was left hanging. I related to the book and most everything in it. But I am a person who needs to DO something with new-found knowledge. I needed the follow-up of the Course to take me further down the path to myself.
Thanks, Jules, for getting me up and writing again! You are an inspiration!

I was writing my Morning Pages this morning (a writing tool from The Artist's Way) and as usual, when I use the tools, they work! The practice is to write 3 pages long hand, quickly, every morning as soon as you get up. It clears the cobwebs and quiets the Censor and often, as this morning, offers breakthroughs. When I got to the bottom of the 3rd page today, I was on a roll, had been given a metaphor that I had to keep writing - two more pages.
I keep going back to the flying. The "say I'm a bird" scene from The Notebook (see previous post). I am that bird, the one sitting in the nest, wanting to fly, but not believing I can. Believing the lies I've been told or somehow absorbed over my lifetime. Right now, today, I can't even really pinpoint a particular place or person they came from, but they are there. I think it was more of a mindset, a worldview, a teaching that I was steeped in, or somehow acquired over the years. Picture a bird who has nothing wrong with her (NOTHING WRONG WITH HER!) but she doesn't fly because she doesn't believe she can. She's even tried to step to the edge of the nest and attempt it, but the other birds started laughing and pointing, "Look at her! She really thinks she is going to fly!! Who does she think she is?" So she crawls down off the edge and slumps back into the nest, trying to make herself content with staying there with the others. But she is not content. She is comfortable, to a point, but not happy. She knows, she KNOWS in her gut that she is capable of more, but when she thinks about flying....well, she doesn't even really know what it feels like, so it's hard to imagine. All she does know it that it looks like FREEDOM! It looks like exhilaration! It looks like something she HAS to do! She knows the other birds are going to try to keep her down, she knows they are going to laugh and jeer and say she is going to crash.... but that's only because they are afraid of flying and don't want her to have any fun if they aren't.
So, what does she have to do? First, she has to work on silencing the lies she believes, and replace them with truth and possibilities. She has to work her wing muscles so they will hold her up when she steps out. She has to preen her feathers to prepare them for flight.... this is SO interesting... I just googled Preening and found out some interesting things... it's not just for looks as is often the connotation in our language. It is vital for maintaining the functionality of the wings! So this bird has to preen her feathers not just to look good, but to ensure a safe flight.
Now I am working on transferring this metaphor into my life.... what does all this mean? I'm only beginning to scratch the surface, and don't really know all of the implications, but some things are immediately apparent. I have to clear out old beliefs and replace them with the new. I can fly. I can be strong. I can write. I can draw. I can break out of the family legacy of constantly being on a diet but never losing weight. I can be a happy, healthy, strong, active 50-year-old woman!
And the preening? How does that translate? I know that part of that is getting my body ready, feeding it well and moving it. Also, the article on preening said that one of the purposes is to remove parasites from the feathers! Now there's a mental picture! Don't we all have a parasite or two who is draining the life out of us and ruffling our feathers?? Time to preen! Preening also includes applying a layer of waterproofing to the feathers (from a gland near the tail, who knew?!). So what is the parallel for waterproofing in my life? It is a protective barrier, which to me means boundaries. Placing something between me an other people, other situations, other annoyances that will inhibit my flying.
As much as I'd like all of this to be an instantaneous change, it is a process. Birds spend hours and hours a day, preening every single feather. Then, when they do fly, they have to preen again, to remove the crap they picked up and realign the feathers.
As I ponder and apply this metaphor, I will be back to share...
(and here's the link to the article on preening: http://birds.suite101.com/article.cfm/why_do_birds_preen)

What if there were no such thing as a writer? What if everyone simply wrote? What if there were no "being a real writer" to aspire to? What if writing were simply about the act of writing?
If we didn't have to worry about being published and being judged, haw many more of us might write a novel just for the joy of making one? Why should we think of writing a novel as something we shouldn't try...
What if we allowed ourselves to be amateurs (from the Latin verb amare, "to love"). If we could just get over the auditioning to be respected at this aspect, a great many people might love writing. Although our mythology wisdom seldom tells us this, it's fun.

                                                                                  The Right to Write, by Julia Cameron

I have not had time to get back to this, but I have read further in this book and it just keeps getting better! There are little exercises at the end of each chapter, most of which only take a few minutes and I am going to try some of them this week.
The chapter from which the above quote comes says a lot about where we get the idea that being "a writer" is something you aren't, but that you can aspire to it, if you work hard enough. She makes the point, which should have been obvious to me before now, that if you can speak, you can write! The only difference is putting it down on paper. Duh! Most of the stigma we have attached to being a "writer" has come from our school experience. We are taught what "good " writing is, with the words and thoughts all lined up like soldiers in their correct place on the page and within the piece being written. How many times in school are we given an assignment that is to be structured beginning with topic sentence, within the introduction paragraph, followed by several paragraphs that make up the body of the paper and ending with the conclusion or summary paragraph?
All of this enforced structure ties up our thoughts and stifles our writing. Then there's always the threat of THE RED PEN! I have always dreaded getting back an assignment with red marks on it. Makes me tense up even thinking about it!
But, guess what? Now I'm an adult. I'm not in class and I can write however I want. Ha! I am a stickler for spelling and grammar, so now I have to deal with that censor in my head, but I am getting better at getting the thoughts down on the page or screen and then coming back later to correct.
Just reading this beginning chapters of this book has freed me up to write for the joy of writing. I will share with whomever would like to read, but otherwise, it is for me. And God knows I need more things that are for me!
I am usually reading more than one book at a time, and here are the ones I'm actively reading right now:
The Right to Write
Eat, Pray, Love
Women, Food , and God (2nd read through)

A few years ago, I read part of The Artist's Way (also by Julia Cameron!) and was intrigued with the tools she uses and teaches to get one on the road to writing. The one I have used most is Morning Pages, where I sit down first thing in the morning and write 3 pages without stopping, just whatever is in my head. It really helps to clear the mind and heart and get you going on your day, as well as giving the writing practice.
In If You Want to Write, Brenda Euland makes a similar point by saying that the best way to learn to write is to write. if you think about it, that's the best way to learn anything - do it! From riding a bike to playing the piano, once someone gives you the basics, it's up to you to practice. The more you practice, the better you get!
I'm closing out for now to get ready for church. Hopefully, I will be able to get back to this today. Gotta get in my practice!

Good morning! I just have a couple of minutes before getting ready for work, but I wanted to share a book recommendation for anyone who wants to "be a writer". I'm only on chapter 4, but I have to say it is giving me a feeling of freedom to write (much like the freedom I feel when reading "Women Food and God"!)
The Right to Write is by Julia Cameron, who has written many books, many of them about the writing process. What I love about her is that she is not about formal writing instruction like you got in high school and college. She is about putting the words on the page, and if necessary, polishing the work up later. I have highlighted many quotes already and will come back later today to share some of them. Another one of her books that I really liked is The Writing Diet, which I am going back to read again soon. Both of these books have writing prompts or tools at the end of each chapter to get you actually writing, instead of just planning to do it "one day." (By the way, I really wish the second book I mentioned didn't have the word "diet" in the title, because it's not a diet book. It was probably a marketing decision, but I think it could have been named something else.)
OK, Gotta go get in the shower, but I wanted to get some words on the page this morning and I will be back later with quotes and more comments to share.
Make it a great day!